ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
