are you still at the devil's house?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
