He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
