So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
