I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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