Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
