I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Let's paint friendship bongs
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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