Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
