I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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