Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
