I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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