Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
