Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
