he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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