So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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