1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
