So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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