Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
