Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
