I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
So squirting runs in the family.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
