why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
