Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
