hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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