He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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