those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
