I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
