hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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