Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm passing your future prison.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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