you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
