Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
