you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
