i just wanna soil my oats bro
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
