Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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