He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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