A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
