but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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