Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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