I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
