My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
