Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
