I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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