Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
last night I used snow as a chaser
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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