I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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