I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
