The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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