not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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