in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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