had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
