Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize