so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you win again, gameday.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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