Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
