Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
