My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
