i can't believe i had my finger in that
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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