Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize