Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
