Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
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