That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
