It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
