so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
