He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
