Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
