ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize