My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
