I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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